Here I sit

Here I sit

Working

At a café

This has been the most

Exhausting

Challenging

Strengthening

Year

Of my entire

Life

Here I sit

Coffee cocktail

Overflowing

With gluttony

And whipped cream

Dripping down the sides

A dash of cocoa

With dashed hopes

With blurred dreams

Here I sit

Resisting my feelings

I really thought

I’d know what I would want

When I got here

But here I sit

And my body/actions/mind

Are telling me

Otherwise

My needs

Are legitimate

And valid

I know I need

Support and love

And I know

Where I can get it

Is not here

I know it’s time to go

I trust my path

But I don’t see what’s next

All I see

Is destruction

And I would rather

Not

Self-destruct

If possible

Here I sit

And I can see

That my addiction

Is fully

Wholly

Absofuckinglutely

Out of control

I am whisper screaming for help

Dropping hints

Ignoring my body

Engaging in shopping addiction

If anyone can read this:

HELP

I know that was real^^

I know I am asking 

For divine guidance

I understand

This might mean

Something ugly

Is about to happen

But I choose

To see my path

As beautiful

Here I sit

Ready for it

Beckoning its call

9/14/2019

[3 days before I went to rehab]
[one hour before my treatment center called me]